Grace And Grit
Spirituality and Healing in the Life and Death of Treya Killam Wilber

In terms of the Collected Works, there was a decade-long hiatus in my theoretical writing, stretching from Transformations of Consciousness (written in 1984) to Sex, Ecology, Spirituality (written in 1993). Grace and Grit tells the story of that hiatus, which, although it was an absence of writing, was an abundance of blessings. And anguish. It is the story of perhaps the most remarkable person I have ever known, Terry Killam, soon to become Treya Killam Wilber.

      As I write this, it has been ten years since Treya's death. I am immeasurably more, and immeasurably less, because of her presence. Immeasurably more, for having known her; immeasurably less, for having lost her. But then, perhaps every event in life is like that: filling you up and emptying you out, all at the same time. It is just that, it is oh-so-rare that such a one as Treya moves among us, and thus the joy, and the pain, are all so intensely amplified.

     There are as many Treyas as there are those who knew her. What follows is my Treya. I am not saying it is the only Treya, or even the best. But I do believe it is a full account, fair and balanced. In particular, it makes liberal use of her own journals, which she kept off and on for most of her adult life, and which she kept almost daily during the years we were together. I had always intended to destroy these journals after Treya died, and without reading them myself, because they were so intensely personal for her. She never showed them to anybody, not even me. Not because she was reclusive or private about her "real feelings" and thus had to "hide" them in her journals. On the contrary, one of the most extraordinary things about Treya—in fact, I might say the single most astonishing thing about her—is that she had almost no split between her public and her private selves. She harbored no "secret" thoughts that she was afraid or ashamed to share with the world. If you asked, she would tell you exactly what she thought—about you or anybody else—but in such a nondefensive, direct, straightforward way that people rarely got upset. This was the basis of her enormous integrity: people trusted her right from the start, because they seemed to know that she would never lie to them, and as far as I can tell, she never did.

      No, I had intended to destroy the journals simply because when she wrote in them, it was a special time for her to be alone with herself, and I felt that nobody, including me, should violate that space. But right before her death, she pointed to her journals and said, "You'll need those." She had asked me to write about our ordeal, and she knew that I would need her journals in order to convey her own thoughts. The very last entry, made twenty-four hours before she died, read: "It takes grace—yes!—and grit."

      In writing Grace and Grit , I read through all of the journals (around ten large notebooks, and many computer files), and was able to find excerpts on virtually every topic covered in the following pages, thus letting Treya speak for herself, in her own words, in her own way. As I read those journals, it was exactly as I had suspected: there were no secrets, no items that she had not generally shared with me or with her family and friends. Treya simply had no split between her public and private selves. I think that was exactly part of her enormous integrity, and I think that was directly related to what can only be called her fearlessness. There was a strength in Treya that was absolutely fearless, and I do not say that lightly. (As Sam Bercholz said at her passing over ceremony, "Treya was the strongest person I have ever known. She taught us how to live, and she taught us how to die.") Treya had little fear because she had little to hide, from you or me or God or anybody. She was transparent to reality, to the Divine, to the world, and thus had nothing to fear from it. I saw her in much pain; I saw her in much agony; I saw her in much anger. I never saw her in fear.

      I am not exaggerating or simply trying to say nice things. I never saw her lie, and I never saw her in fear—and I think they are very much the same thing.

      It's not hard to understand why people felt alive in her presence, vivified, awakened. Even when we were in various hospitals, with Treya undergoing one gruesome indignity or another, people (nurses, visitors, other patients, their visitors) used to hang out in her room, just to be around the presence, the life, the energy, that she seemed to radiate. In a hospital in Bonn, Germany, I remember waiting in line to get into her room.

     She could be obstinate; strong people often are. But it came out of that core of vivid presence and wakefulness, and it was bracing, mind-stopping. People often came away from Treya more alive, more open, more direct. She was like that; her presence changed you, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, but it changed you. It drew you into being present to the Present, it reminded you to wake up.

      One other thing: Treya was remarkably beautiful, and yet (as you will see in the following pages), she had almost no vanity, which was amazing. As much as anybody I have ever known, including some very enlightened masters, she was unselfconsciously herself, just so. There was no self-glancing, self-checking, self-guessing: she was simply and directly present, all of her. The fact that she had little self-consciousness made her even more right here . Around Treya, the world became immediate and focused, clear and inviting, bright and honest, open and alive.

      Grace and Grit is her story; and our story. Many people asked me, since I was so careful to include Treya's own writing and her own voice in the following pages, why I didn't list her as coauthor of the book. Some people, in fact, were quite angry with me. I thought about doing so from the beginning, but conversations with editor and publisher made it increasingly clear that to do so was misleading. As my present editor at Shambhala, Kendra Crossen Burroughs, puts it, "A coauthor is someone who actively writes a book with another person. This is different from taking someone else's writings and weaving them into a book." So I hope that those readers who felt that I was not acknowledging Treya's contribution will realize that such was certainly not my intent, and that Treya's real voice has been included on almost every page, by letting her speak for herself.

      At one point in Treya's journals she wrote, "Had lunch with Emily Hilburn Sell, the editor at Shambhala. I like her a lot, trust her judgment. I told her about the book I was working on—cancer, psychotherapy, spirituality—and asked her if she would edit for me. I'd love to, she said, which makes me even more determined to see this project through!" Well, Treya did not have time to complete her book—which is why she asked me to write this one—but I am glad to report that Emily was the editor of Grace and Grit , and did a wonderful job.

      A few minor points. Most people read this book, not for technical information about my work, but for Treya's story. As I indicate in the Note to the Reader, chapter 11 is particularly technical, and it really can be skipped without missing a thing! (Actually, if you are skipping that chapter, just read the few paragraphs in between the interview material, since it has some important story elements; but otherwise, skip away. The material in chapter 11 is just a summary of my phase-2 model, and readers interested in more up-to-date material might wish to consult Integral Psychology ).

      All of Treya's journal entries are marked by a vertical solid line down the left-hand margin. These are different from, say, some of her letters, which have no solid lines. Her letters, even if they were mostly private, were still available to other people (namely, those to whom she sent them). But every entry marked by a solid vertical line was from her journals, and thus are entries that nobody had ever seen before.

      The reception to Grace and Grit was overwhelming, and it wasn't me the readers were responding to. To date, I have received close to a thousand letters from people all over the world—an unprecedented percentage write to tell me what Treya's story has meant to them, and how it has changed their lives. Some have sent pictures of their baby daughters named "Treya," and I can tell you, as a purely objective bystander with no biases whatsoever, that they are the most beautiful little girls in the world. Some of the people who write to me have cancer, and they were initially afraid to read the book; but once they did, they tended to lose their fear.

Dear Ken,

      Last August I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had segmental surgery, lymph node dissection and a three week treatment. I am in constant relationship with cancer on all levels. Several weeks ago a friend told me of your book and I knew I had to read it. It was a scary thought because, after all, I knew the ending.

      "But," I thought, "she had some other kind of more serious cancer." How's that for denial? The fact is, I have the same kind of terrible cancer Treya had. The truth is this book has been at moments terrifying, but totally freeing....

     Freeing, because Treya describes, almost step by step, the way in which she moved through the pain and agony of cancer and into a spiritual freedom and liberation that outshines death and its inherent terror. As one of my favorite letters said (and this is the entire letter):

Dear Ken Wilber,

      I am fourteen years old. Since I was a little girl I have been very afraid of dying. I read Treya's story, and ever since, I have not been afraid to die. I wanted to tell you this.

Or another:

Dear Ken,

     Last year I was diagnosed with advanced metastatic breast cancer. A friend of mine said I had to read this book, Grace and Grit, but when I asked how it ended, he said, "She died." I was afraid of the book for a long time.

      But having finished it, I wanted to thank you and Treya from the bottom of my heart. I know I might die, too, but somehow following Treya's story has made me unafraid. I feel free of fear, for the first time....

      But most of the people who write do not have cancer. It is simply that Treya's story is everyperson's story. It might seem that Treya "had it all": intelligence, beauty, charm, integrity, a happy marriage, a wonderful family. But, like all of us, Treya had her own doubts, insecurities, self-criticisms, and deeply unsettling issues about her own worth and her own purpose in life... not to mention a brutal battle with a lethal disease. But Treya fought the good fight with all of those shadows... and she won, by any definition of the word "win." Treya's story speaks to all of us because she met those nightmares head on, with courage and dignity and grace, and she triumphed, gloriously.

      And she left us her journals, which tell us exactly how she did it. How she brought meditative awareness to bear on pain and thus dissipated its hold on her. How, instead of closing down and becoming bitter and angry, she greeted the world with love in her heart. How she met cancer with "passionate equanimity." How she rid herself of self-pity and chose joyously to carry on. How she was fearless, not because she lacked fear, but because she immediately embraced it, even when it became obvious that she would soon die: "I will bring the fear into my heart. To meet the pain and the fear with openness, to embrace it, to allow it. Realizing that brings wonderment at life. It gladdens my heart and nourishes my soul. I feel such joy. I'm not trying to 'beat' my sickness; I'm allowing myself into it, forgiving it. I will go on, not with anger and bitterness, but with determination and joy." And she did so, greeting both life and death with a determination and joy that outpaced their tedious terrors, and a loving radiance that outshone the finite world, even to the end.

     In the last analysis, Treya's story is about finding that center of awareness, that pure Self, that primordial Ground, which is timeless and eternal. It is not that your true Self is "everlasting" or "lives forever"—that is not how one triumphs over death. Rather, your true Self is a moment without time—this present timeless moment, just as it is, before you think about past and future and thus bind yourself to the tortures of time. The pure and timeless Self, existing fully in this timeless, present moment, is the gateway to the eternal—which does not mean existing forever in time, but being blissfully free of time. Because it never enters the world of time and its terror, your pure Self is the great Unborn. And because it never enters time, it never exits either: your pure Self is the great Undying.

     You triumph over death, not by living forever, but by living timelessly, by being present to the Present. You are not going to defeat death by identifying with the ego in the steam of time and then trying to make that ego go on forever in that temporal stream. You defeat death by finding that part of your own present awareness that never enters the stream of time in the first place and thus is truly Unborn and Undying. As the Buddha himself put it, "There is, o monks, a great Unborn, Unmanifest, Unmade. Were there not, there would be no escape from the born, the manifest, the made."

     Well, Treya found the great Unborn, and therefore Treya found the great Undying. Treya the individual is dead; but the Self of Treya is alive right now, in the timeless present that is ever-present, that is alive in every sentient being, alive in you and in me and in all things great and small, for this is the Self of one and all. Having found that, one finds the All, and then—quite literally—one can say, "Death, where is thy sting?"

     Far from being a difficult discovery, it is the simplest you will ever make. So simple, in fact, that it might take many years (as the meditation texts put it, "Too simple to believe, too easy to accomplish"). Even right now, you have access to this pure Self, this crystal clear Witness, this great Unborn consciousness. For notice: the clouds float by in the sky, and you effortlessly witness that. Feelings float by in the body, and you effortlessly witness that. Thoughts float by in the mind, and you effortlessly witness them. Time floats by in your awareness, and you effortlessly witness that. You can witness all of those things—clouds, feelings, thoughts, and time—because in your essence you are free of all of them: your pure Self is that empty, free, clear, open awareness in which the clouds, and feelings, and thoughts, and time all float by. This pure Witness does not itself enter the stream of time, but rather is effortlessly aware of it. The pure Witness, in other words, is itself timeless. To abide as that Self is to abide in timeless eternity. When conventional death then arrives, it, too, is a simple experience like any other, and it leaves your Self untouched.

     How can we know this for sure? The answer is: take up the practice of abiding as the Self and find out directly. Recognize your own ever-present wakefulness, and death will slide off your heart. That is what Treya did; that is what cancer forced her to do; and that is why, in her journals, she sincerely thanked fate for this disease. It forced her out of her self and into her Self, where she was one with the All. And that is why "I read Treya's story, and ever since, I have not been afraid to die. I wanted to tell you this."

     If Treya can do it, we can do it: that is the message of this book, and that is what people write to tell me about. How her story moved them to remember what really matters. How her attempt to balance in herself the masculine/doing and the feminine/being spoke directly to their own deepest concerns in today's world. How her remarkable courage inspired them—male and female alike—to carry on with their own unbearable suffering. How her example helped get them through the dark hours of their own nightmares. How "passionate equanimity" installed them directly in the Self. And why all of them understood that, on the very deepest level, this is a book with a profoundly happy ending.

      (Many of those writing me are also support people, those who suffer doubly: having to watch the loved one suffer, and not being allowed to have any problems of their own. Grace and Grit speaks for them as well, I hope. Those who would like to see some of the mail response to Grace and Grit might wish to check One Taste , March 7 entry.)

      Several people inevitably wondered about making a movie, which makes me uncomfortable. I was more than glad to do a book, because I told Treya I would and because I believe her story is that of a true heroine, a story for our time. But a movie—so many things can go wrong. Still, I have been contacted by almost a dozen producers at various levels, from the biggest of Hollywood to the smallest of independents. Somehow, nothing has quite come together, mostly due to my extreme ambivalence. I suppose I would not rule out something in the future, if I can ever get comfortable with the idea.

      Many people have asked me why I didn't dedicate any of my subsequent books to Treya. In the past, I have always dedicated my books to one or more persons; Grace and Grit was the last book that I did so. All of the books since then have carried no dedication, because all of them have been dedicated to Treya. [1]

      As of this writing, Treya's family—Rad and Sue, Kati, David, Traci and Michael—are all still alive and doing very well. I have stayed in touch with them (especially Kati), and we get together every now and then. Treya often said she could not imagine having a better family, and to this day I agree with her.

      The Cancer Support Community, founded by Treya and Vicky Wells, is an award-winning institution still going strong. If you would like to offer donations, or if you need its services, you can locate it by calling San Francisco information.

      Treya and I were together for five years. Those years have been etched into my soul. I really do believe that I have kept my promise, and I really do believe it is due to her grace. And I really do believe that any one of us can meet Treya again, any time we wish to do so, by acting with honesty, integrity, and fearlessness—for there lies the heart and soul of Treya—and any one of us can, when we abide as the Self, find that place where Treya timelessly is.

      If Treya can do it, we can do it. That is the message of Grace and Grit.

     K. W.

     Boulder, Colorado

     Summer, 1999

     [1] Let me therefore take this opportunity to thank Roger Walsh, Frances Vaughan, Tony Schwartz, Mike Murphy, Sam Bercholz, T George Harris, Jim Garrison, and Marci Walters, to whom those books (SES, BH, ES, MSS, OT, IP) are also dedicated.

     Since those books had no (stated) dedication, they had no acknowledgements section either. Let me therefore also take this opportunity to thank the many people who offered support or feedback: Kendra Crossen Burroughs (who oversaw the editorial production of all of those books), Larry Dossey, Jack Crittenden, Daryl Paulson, Bert Parlee, Peter Turner, Lenny Jacobs, Jonathan Green, Jennifer Pursley, Huston Smith, Paul Gerstenberger, Brian Van der Horst, Brad Reynolds, Frank Visser, William Metzger, Ray Grasse, Deepak Chopra, Kim Witherspoon, Ann Godoff, Steve Dinan, Bill Godfrey, Tad Guzie, Leland Johnson, Dwight Judy, Steve Kiesling, David Lane, Marilyn Schlitz, Melvin McLeod, Sara Bates, Stuart Davis, Georg Feuerstein, Leo Burke, Geoffrey Gioja, Keith Thompson, David Lorimer, Uwe Morawetz, Christina Grof, M. J. Ryan, Bruce Scotton, Seymour Boorstein, Jack Kornfield, Miles Vich, A. S. Dalal, Jim Fadiman, John White, Lama Surya Das, Don Beck, Drexel Sprecher, Jenny Wade, Mitch Kapor, Max Velmans, Kathleen Singh, Tami Simon, David Fontana, Bruce Galbraith, Andrew Cohen, Joann Neuroth, Kate Olson, Joel Funk, David Ray Griffin, Jordan Gruber, Joseph Goguen, Chagdud Tulku, Reg Daniel, David Chalmers, John Welwood, Stephan Schuhmacher, Edith Zundel, Thomas Jordan, Richard Young, Pema Norbu, A. V. Ashok, Warren Bellows, Brian Boland, Ron Cacioppe, John Rowan, Phil Jacobson, Connie Hilliard, Michael Zimmerman, Thom Gehring, Elizabeth Debold, Stan Grof, Alex Grey, Maureen Silos, Joyce Nielsen, Kaisa Puhakka, Eddie Kowalczyk, Hans-Peter Durr, John Daido Loori, Rob Lehman, Bob Forman, Howard Gardner, John Searle, Susanne Cook-Greuter, Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, Michael Lerner, Ervin Laszlo, Father Thomas Keating, Robert Kegan, and Charles Taylor.